I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
