North Korea, Best Korea!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
