my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just threw up on my dentist
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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