how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
