that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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