She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize