low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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