and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
