Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
