New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
