Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
