I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
