Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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