The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
