I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
