found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
