I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
