i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
BRING THE BAGELS
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
did i just pee glitter
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
