Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize