i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
