I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
