Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize