i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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