A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize