i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
