How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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