Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
