I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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