fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't notice because vodka
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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