??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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