life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
