i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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