I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
