I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
