I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
