Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
