I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
