So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
