For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize