im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
