I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize