Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
