I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
