Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
