May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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