The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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