last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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