it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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