Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
