The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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