I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
