I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
