If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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