Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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