Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize