Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
