Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
