I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
